What does it really mean to be bad in bed?Jun 29, 2021
Are some people just bad in bed?
But then how come some people seem to be naturals at sex?
How are some people bad in bed?
Why are they bad in bed?
How can they get better?
How might some people be naturally better at sex than others?
Sex is most definitely something you can be bad at and sadly, there are so many people who are pretty bad at it.
To me, being "bad in bed" means two things:
First, you don't have the skills (either basic or advanced) necessary to please a partner (or even yourself).
This includes things like:
- How do you finger someone pleasurably?
- How do you give a pleasurable handjob?
- How do you go down on someone? (vulva or penis owners)
- How do you thrust for penetration?
- How do you do anal without hurting your partner?
- How do you tie someone up?
(Of course, different things will work for different people, but there are some relatively reliable "best practices" that are likely to work well with many people, and some no-no's that wouldn't work for most.)
So knowing these in theory, and having had a chance to practice them in real life, is a huge part of being good in bed.
Second, you're not noticing your partner's cues of pleasure and displeasure, and/or you're not responding to them appropriately.
In other words, you're not very giving.
The other component of being good in bed is being responsive to the specific partner you are with; all the techniques in the world are of no use if they are not what your partner wants at that time.
Many people are not very giving because they are too selfish and don't even try to pay attention and give their partners what they need.
Others aren't giving because they are not very good at or experienced with reading people's sexual signals, or they might be too shy or lack confidence in their skills.
Our sex-negative society is the number #1 culprit for why so many people are bad in bed...
and why so many of us are having bad, unsatisfying sex.
I see this as a major tragedy for humanity, especially during a time when so many of us absolutely have the luxury of enjoying good sex.
By not giving people proper, comprehensive, continued, sex positive sex education, and also piling on heaps of shame about being sexual, society is directly turning virtually all of us into bad lovers.
So what makes some people good at sex?
An example is: how generally perceptive and generous we are.
Some of are just more attentive to other people and their verbal and nonverbal signals (sexual or otherwise), and are much more motivated to give to or please those around them.
Again, biology plays a big role in where on that spectrum we end up.
Too many people believe that sex is innate. It's not.
People are different, and desires are varied.
So how do we become better lovers, Dr. Zhana?
My quick answer: Try sex hacking.
Sex hacking is about deconstructing these sexual preferences and honing techniques to create epic sexual experiences.
Sex hacking is about adapting a growth mindset, focusing on the 20% of skills that are the most useful, impactful, and unforgettable.
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It's designed like a video game where you can level up your character.
He lays out real sex demos like skill trees in concise video lessons.
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